Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
The point of your 20s
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.