WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.