wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
You Might Also Like
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.