Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
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my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…