Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
my name if I was in the mob
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
mathematically impossible
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.