Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.