Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
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“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?