WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?