Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters