WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
the rocks need my help
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*