WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
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optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?