wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
man i love columbo
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.