wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
This is amazing.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
What a chick magnet..
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it