WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die