Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.