Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
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Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.