i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
gm
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!