Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus