[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.