wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Damn what did I do next
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter