There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.