Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
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Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.