[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
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If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Finished stitching this today 😇
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups