WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
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I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.