*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.