*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
You Might Also Like
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”