Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
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[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Just parrot things
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me driving through Toronto
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same