@TwatWaffler69: Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don't already spend enough time in there with us.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
@MariyaAlexander: My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
@LoveNLunchmeat: Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn't seem to work as well for him.
@junejuly12: Funny that when some people go out for 'fresh air', they come back in smelling like 'weed'