Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
You Might Also Like
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy