@TwatWaffler69: Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don't already spend enough time in there with us.
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@brendohare: By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
@internetluke: [police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] "Why no pants on?" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
@michaelianblack: "Man of Steel" is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: "Where do babies comes from?" Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.