The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
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I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*