“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
you’d think eating your young was more filling.