@slimmy_shady: Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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@mattgallo123: Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
@ImSoFrancis: *tornado takes out half of my house* Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
@RdrJay47: Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing? Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn't know, it's french.
@david8hughes: Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we're meeting my parents in 10 minutes Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready