@slimmy_shady: Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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@Contwixt: My niece asked me what it's like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
@Schmoodles: I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn't tweeted in a year. They'll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.
@BlindChow: Your honor, may I approach the bench? "You may." *walks up to bench* *boops judge's nose*