@slimmy_shady: Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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@weinerdog4life: Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
@ClassOf20l6: why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
@UnIxphysco: My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
@david8hughes: [in ambulance] "Sir, do you know your blood type?" "Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red."