Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
crying
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.