Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Go hard or stay average
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please