WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
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On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING