[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.