Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
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*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga