5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
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BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!