Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
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Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Personal question. #JustSaying
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Taliband
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.