Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
From Facebook just now…
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
True freaking story!
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.