Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to