Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
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ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.