Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
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Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
School be like
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number