Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
You Might Also Like
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.