Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
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At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day