Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My dog ate my work from home.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Brands during Pride
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.