Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
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You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.