Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!