If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.