WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
What’s so funny?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.