WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
sigh
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.