wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.